Monday morning, walking into work, I see that she was heading toward the door at the same time as me. She gave me a half smile as I opened the door for her and she headed in one direction and I headed the other. That was… weird.

Usually at work we’d have GChat open all day and we’d be chatting back and forth. That whole day we barely talked. I asked her if we were still on for having me come up and sleep with her that night and she said that she needed alone time.

So of course my mind is going, “What the fuck??” We just had this amazing night and said we were in love and now she needs alone time again?? I felt sick and my heart was racing all day.

She stumbled in the door and was disoriented but super horny. She ripped off her dress and we had some rough, rough sex. It was super hot.

When we finished we were lying in bed and talking. Still pretty drunk. There was a pause in the “conversation” and she looked at me. And told me she loved me. And I told her I loved her. It was probably the most amazing moment of my life. To know the feelings were mutual. We kissed and kissed, told each other we loved each other over and over, and had sex again.

We completely wore each other out and slept good and hard that night.

The next morning we packed up and went back home. I kissed her goodbye. And had a big smile on my face as I walked through my door. Sobered up all Saturday and Sunday on my own and then headed into work on Monday.

So we show up to the party and she was… just… kind of a wreck. Really nervous about this whole “coming out as a couple” thing. We sat in the car parked for a couple minutes before we went in to the event hall. She was bracing herself and worked up the courage, I guess, because after a long pause she said she was ready to go in. I was way more nonchalant about it. I was ready and excited to not be a secret anymore.

So we walked in. And made it known. And it was great! Everyone congratulated us. A couple people said they could have guessed… there were hints here and there and everything.

We broke off and she hung out with her operations people and I hung out with my marketing people. Flashed each other looks every once in a while. I swung over a couple times to say hi. And Leah was getting wasted. Like crazy wasted. She wasn’t acting out or being crazy. She was just fucking drunk.

So the night finished up and everyone had a good amount to drink. The gathering was in a party hall in a hotel, so nearly everyone had a hotel room to stay at for the night. Leah and I went to ours.

It was now mid-December, right at our two-month anniversary. We were killing it together. I was feeling things for Leah that I don’t remember ever feeling for Stacy. I was grown up now, knew what I wanted… I felt like I knew what real love was. And I was so close with her. So close.

Probably the only tough part about our relationship was that we were keeping it from our coworkers. We didn’t want the drama and inter-company dating gossip. But with the company Christmas party coming up, we figured that would be our coming out party. We’d go to that thing together and reveal that we were a couple. I felt like we were so solid after only two months. I thought this was going to be my first real, long-term relationship since Stacy.

She agreed that it was a good time to officially announce that we were together too… for the most part. You could tell that she was going to go along with it and not deny anything, but that she also wasn’t super motivated to make it public. It should have bothered me more than it did, but I thought little of it, mostly. I figured she just wasn’t looking forward to the gossip, like she had to deal with when she dated the other guy from work before we got together.

She stayed with me that night, and we finally broke the barrier. We worked through something and came out good the other side. So we celebrated it by having sex for the first time. My nine-month sex drought was over! After she left the next morning:

“And then, last night… we had sex. It was fantastic. I came inside her and it was amazing. I’d never cum inside someone before. It was so intimate and sexy, having her lay there while I came and filled her up. Fuck.

I was inside her, slowly thrusting for what felt like an hour. It was all missionary, with us holding each other so close the whole time The rest of the night and all this morning we couldn’t cuddle closer and kissed her for a good 10 mins straight before she pushed me away and headed out the door, as she was running late.

She sent me a text right as she got back to her apartment: “I REALLY liked last night <3.” Yesssssss. I’ll have to storm up to her apartment later tonight and take her again.”

 

My next journal post:

“Yesterday we had sex again and it was insane. I lasted forever. She was on top and came and then I threw her on the bed and rammed her home doggystyle. She was talking dirty and said I was amazing after we finished.”

In the bedroom, we were spot on. She had an awesome sex drive and wanted it as much as I did. We were falling for each other. It was a great next few weeks.

I woke up to a text from her, saying she’d been up all night crying and was just really confused last night. She still didn’t explain why. But said that if I was willing, she wanted to come down to my apartment and talk about it.

I just kind of set my phone on my face in bed and groaned. Like, I really like this girl. She’s sexy and cute and lovey a good amount of the time. But she has some weird demons inside that mess up her head. I figured I’d hear her out, because I’m always so curious what someone has to say in that situation.

So I invited her down and we sat on the couch. She just explained that work was really stressful, that she just needed a minute to get her priorities straight. That she shouldn’t have taken everything out on me. That I should be the one she goes to when she’s stressed, instead of running away.

I voiced my concern that she’d have another bad day and leave me again. That she should only be with me if she truly wants to and sees us working out.

With that, she scootched over to me on the couch, put her arms around me and said that I was all she wanted. We kissed and were back together.

The night I got home from my business trip:

“Well, goodbye, Leah. She came over at 9pm tonight and we talked and broke up. She calls it bad timing and feeling like she shouldn’t have a boyfriend. I basically picked apart her reasoning and even she knew she was talking BS. I said that we were good together and she said she was sorry. She went to leave and I opened the door for her. She gave me a hug and I barely hugged back… then she started bawling. I hugged her a bit tighter, and then she left.

I said that this sucked because I did nothing wrong. She agreed that I did nothing wrong.

This is fucked up. I mean, come on… I basically played a perfect hand here, and lost Leah. This is such bullshit. She was a bit of a psychotic mess, but I tend to like those. And my God, her naked, sucking me off was a fantastic sight… I’ll miss that. That and cuddling with her all night.

Oh Jesus, I just got a text from her, literally five seconds ago: ‘What if what I just did was a really bad idea because I’m really stressed right now?’

I just tossed my phone across the living room. How do I respond? I can say to stay away and possibly be missing out on something good and I could regret it or I can say pursue this and get dumped later and it’ll hurt more. Win-fucking-win.”

Right at the one-month anniversary, I had to go on a business trip for a week. And she was incredibly distant that whole week. I’d be in business meetings but have GChat open on my laptop and be chatting with her. And all she’d do is reply with one-word answers or complain about being tired or stressed at work:

“OK, things with Leah are getting weirder. We almost didn’t talk at all today. I said I was sorry that I got quiet yesterday night after she got quiet, but that I was upset that she didn’t tell me what was bothering her. She just said to not worry about it… she didn’t explain herself or anything. And so the rest of the day we basically said nothing. It is the least we’ve ever talked in one day. So now we are on GChat but really aren’t saying much at all.

When I say things like I’m crazy about her she says ‘good’ instead of something like ‘I’m crazy about you too.’

What the fuck is that??”

I could just tell that I’d be coming home to her in her depressed, disaster mode. The day I got home and the day after that, she was the most bipolar person I’ve ever seen.

Activities like these continued to happen over the next month. A little over a month into our relationship and we hadn’t had sex yet. I can’t exactly explain why. I couldn’t exactly explain a lot of things with her.

All that I’ve said about her so far are the good things. But she was a bit of a handful at times too. Over those first two months she was very bipolar. We’d go from talking all day and night and having her stay at my place, to a day or two in a row where we’d struggle through small talk as she was being unresponsive and would say she’s tired and wants to sleep on her own or needs alone time to “think.” She’d never explain to me what that meant, but I always assumed it was about us, in one way or another.

But then the next day she’d be all lovey and sweet and I didn’t think much about the two weird days prior.