I’m going to fast-forward a month and a half. We’re now in mid-February. I had just turned 24.

I never replied to that last email. I hadn’t talked to her once in the last month and a half. But, I have been a heartbroken little bitch in my journal. I don’t even want to post any of it because she was on my mind the whole time.

But I was strong. I never reached out to her. While it was hard to get over her, as she worked in my building and lived in my apartment building and I’d see her or walk past her all the time, I think I was slowly slowly slowly starting to repair. For the record, trying to get over Leah was 100 times harder than Stacy. I don’t know why. It just was.

So. A month and a half after being pissed off on Christmas Eve. I get a text from Leah at midnight asking if I’m awake. Random. I figured I’d never hear from her again. That she knew she destroyed me and would just leave me be. But no, after so long without saying a word, she reaches out.

I didn’t reply. My heart sped up to 1,000,000 beats per minute, but I didn’t reply. I needed to be strong, right?

And then I woke up the next morning to an email from her. Check out this whopper:

She closed with this:

“This thing with John though… I feel like he’s a magnet that I can’t tear myself away from. The last week that you and I were dating and I was distant, I was trying to put everything in perspective and get a feel for things. I’m so sorry to say this, but I was trying to figure out if I should stay with you or get back with John. And yes, I acted out of control that night that we went out and I’m very sorry about that. You ending it was a surprise though, but at the same time you helped make my decision for me.

Owen, I want you to know that you meant a lot to me, and you were not just a way to pass the time or someone to fill in an empty space. It was real and I was happy. I know that you and I had great potential and that you had always treated me very well and that I could be very happy with you. I am really very, very sorry about all of this. It was never my intention to hurt you and I wish I could have spared you from everything.”

I was right about everything. I was right in guessing that the holiday party and the week after were bad because of John. I was right that she’d just end up hurting me again. I was just disgusted with everything. Over. This is all over.

I remember laying in bed for hours just thinking and listening to John Mayer that night. I was just numb.

I couldn’t see her face or hear her voice, so I decided to carefully write an email to her asking these questions. The jist was that I felt used and hurt, couldn’t believe she was back with her ex just a few days after ending things with me and a couple weeks after telling me she loved me. That I was embarrassed that we just came out as a couple to our entire company and then she lost her shit and now we’re the biggest gossip trend in the office.

I was so angry, but I worded it more as hurt. I didn’t want to give her a single reason to lash out back at me. I’d seriously been immaculate to this girl. Maybe it’ll make it sting a little more if I continue to be nothing but hurt and confused.

Went on my work trip, just feeling like absolute hell, my mind going to the worst places. Wondering why she, again, got totally shitty and robotic that last week and why she acted out that night. I didn’t get it. I never did anything wrong. I didn’t get it.

Got home from my work trip, tried to keep my mind off of Leah all weekend and then walked into work on Monday, which was December 22^nd, right before Christmas break. I took a seat and said good morning to the girl who sits next to me, and she turned and looked at me with a “brace yourself” face. I stopped what I was doing.

“What?” I asked. It was more of a demand.

“Well…” she replied.

“Out with it.”

And she told me. I guess some coworkers all got together over the weekend to watch a football game and party. Leah was there. So was her other coworker ex, John. They were all over each other the whole night. And then ended up in one of the bedrooms until the morning, and then they left together.

Hearing this was like a Goddamned sledgehammer to the face. A sledgehammer of heartache but also of realization:

“I think I’ve figured it out though. She was so hesitant to have people at work know about us because then John would find out.

So, at the Christmas party, when everyone found out, I’m sure it got back to him. And I’m sure they talked about it and that’s why she was in a shitty mood that whole next week and distant. And then she was a stupid bitch that Saturday, and then a week later she’s back with him. Unbelievable.

And I completely fell for it all with her. She never loved me. I don’t even know what she thought of me. I hate her more than I’ve ever hated anyone. I really want to send her a message about how ridiculous she is, but it would just give her a reason to hate me. And up to this point, I’ve given her no reason. I should keep it that way. I stay the good guy, she can stay the asshole. “

That whole workday I was fuming. I truly had never felt rage or hatred like that in my entire life, up to that point. Fuming. Every negative emotion you could possibly name… I was feeling it. I knew I needed to confront Leah. To see if it’s true. To see what I meant to her. Was I just a plaything for her to keep her busy? To make John jealous?

Two days later I was off on another work trip. So I had many hours in my hotel room to sit and think. And write. Angrily, it seems:

“I wonder what she’s thinking. Is she thinking, ‘Yep, I fucked this one up’? Or is she saying how ridiculous I am and that I overreact and shit? Does she miss me? I’m not sure. All I know is that every time I see her walk into work with the black coat on that I bought her, I’m going to think ‘fuck you’ in my head. Fuck you for wasting my time. Fuck you for hiding who you really are. Fuck you for all the things I can’t take back. Fuck you, Leah. I hope you feel like shit. I hope it lingers for a while. I hope it’s going to be a motherfucker every time I walk down the hallway and you see me. I hope you see what you’re missing out on every time I walk by. I’m going to be walking, looking straight ahead, maybe a little strut in my step. I want to look like hot shit, and I hope she’s paying for it in her mind. Maybe I should look straight at her when I walk down the hall. See if she looks up and then looks away. Mini victories like that will be what drive me.”

My God I was super pissed. Mostly because when I said I loved her, I meant it, but now I felt like she only said it because she was drunk and is screwed up in the head. It was almost like she was saying it to overcompensate for something. Ugh. But I remember this rage. I remember how much I hated Leah.

I wrote that mid-day Saturday. I wrote this at 2:30am that night:

“Well… Leah and I broke up. This is such bullshit.

So I go upstairs to hang out with her family. It’s fine… whatever. Then her parents leave and her older brother, who is gay (that becomes relevant shortly), her newly 21-year old sister, Leah and I head out to downtown. Things started out ok. We got a couple drinks, whatev. Her brother’s BF met up with us. Then we went to a bar where there was a dance party. Leah was stupid drunk and was grinding up on her brother’s BF… just so disrespectful. I don’t care if he’s gay or not. No reason for her to grind her ass on this dude’s cock.

Then, as we’re walking down the street Leah starts smoking her brother’s cigarette… so unattractive. Then, her brother suggests a male strip club, and Leah is super pumped about it. I voiced over and over that I did not want to go and was uncomfortable with it, but she was the most pumped of all to go. At that point, I had never been less attracted to Leah. Right as I stepped foot into the strip club, I knew it was over.

How fucking disrespectful can she be in one week? Acting like a robot to me this whole week after telling me she loved me, and then this bullshit tonight… unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. As I was sitting in the club, I just kept looking at her, looking away and shaking my head.

When we got back home and got out of the cab, I asked if she could give her keys to her sister and come talk with me in my apartment for a minute. When we got in there I told her that she really disrespected me and that I deserve to be treated better. I said that I’ve always been good to her and that I wasn’t getting it back. I said that I don’t deserve this and that I can’t be with someone who would treat me this way. I asked if she had anything to say and she said no, so I opened the door and she left.

So now I’m sitting on my couch, playing my ‘sad’ music (Continuum album by John Mayer), and just so bummed out about this. I do deserve better. I’m very happy I got to see this side of her less than three months into dating instead of taking over four years like it did with Stacy.

Overall, this is too bad… too too bad.”

It was almost as if she did everything she could that night to piss me off. Like it was on purpose. I sat there that night just saying, “What the fuck,” over and over in my head.

And her being distant lasted all week:

“Monday she said she needed alone time and was really distant.

This entire week she’s also been saying she feels sick. First it was her head, then she felt like she had a bladder infection, then she said she felt bloated. We didn’t have sex this whole week which is super surprising, because she usually has such a crazy sex drive. I slept with her Wednesday and last night and… nothing. She really hasn’t acted sweet or lovey this whole week either. I’ve tried, telling her she looked sexy in the new jacket I got her, bringing her hot chocolate when she was ‘sick’ at home.

So now it’s Saturday afternoon. We went to bed with her feeling really ‘sick’ Friday night and we wake up and she feels great and is jumping around all happy today. Her parents and sister are coming down for the night because her sister just turned 21. We’re going to a bar or something. “